Problems with the content

The content is slightly weird, starting with the very first sentence that has no main verb. It doesn’t quite say ‘We’re a team that …’.

And the second sentence (‘Implementing online learning into…’) changes direction and talks about the customer – but in a strangulated kind of way.

The final sentence (‘Providing you …’) also lacks a main verb. It’s the kind of sentence that is used in portentous voice overs for ads and movie trailers.

 

Here is how you might re-write it.

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What we’ve done, and why.

The current content is ‘About us’. Really, it should be ‘About you’.

The text should reflect the reader’s problem (their ‘pain points’) and then explain how we can help them solve it.

Simply saying ‘what we do we’ isn’t good enough. Readers are only interested in themselves. That’s why we’ve started with the magic word ‘you’, and continue to use it throughout.

 

Takeaway

As a copywriter you aren’t a copy editor. You don’t simply rearrange the existing words and improve the grammar. You take a step back and put yourself into the mind of the customer. In this case we have completely re-written the home page. If this were a paying job, we would go a lot further, adding additional engaging content to the home page.

 

Self Assessment Exercise

1. Count how many times the original copy uses ‘we’ and ‘us’. Then count the number of times it uses ‘you’ and ‘your’.

Then do the same for our revisions.

What conclusions do you draw? Which is better, and why?

 

2. Count up how many abstract nouns the original content uses. An abstract noun is something that can’t be held or seen, words like ‘industry’, ‘compliance’ and ‘outcomes’.

Then do the same for our revised version. What conclusions do you draw? Which is better, and why?